Many things about it, I do not agree with (the story telling and use of fear as devices, is the same as the fear you do when yelling and hitting. You are just moving their fear of you to fear of something else. But I also am speaking from the point of view of a mother of older children that can be told what the real fear is (i.e. don’t go too deep in the beach, not because a sea monster will eat you, but because you don’t have the swimming prowess to survive a riptide etc.) (I also am not a fan of using religion as fear or device to teach morals… separate post one day…)And the name calling (Are you a baby?) bothers me a lot)) BUT they got the basics down really well. When I first met Jeannette she put into words something I had just recently discovered myself. When kids are acting out, it is almost always something else that is causing it. They are afraid, they are anxious, or some other issue, possible chemical too. It isn’t just defiance or to piss you off. They want to gain power for some reason. Let them. Find the true meaning instead of knee-jerk yelling.
I remember a time that Jessicah and I were talking, many years ago, and her eldest daughter came out and was asking her for something over and over again, while we were talking. She held her calm, and turned to her and simply said “I can not answer you right now, and if you keep asking me in this moment when I am busy, the answer will automatically be no”It was done with such calming confidence, and her daughter got the point. (She was very much a teen at that point). I have tried to mirror my reactions around that single display of understanding and execution. I fail.A lot. I can easily blame my anger and short temper on my bipolar, especially when I am manic. It’s a thing, I have learned in the past few years, and I recoil in my brain as the stuff comes out of my mouth. But it comes down to, I just need to work harder than most people. I didn’t know that. I do now.
My poor older sons, went through a lot with me. I had a lot of anger, resentment, and lack of controlling my bipolar/mania. I hold a lot of regret for that. I wish I had the insight then that I have now, to at least been a better role model. Thankfully, Andy has his father’s patience and calmness, and Colin is just so amazingly self-aware and emotionally brilliant (I will actually give myself some of the credit there, but also so much of Jessicah. But I still hold the regret that they had to deal with my blow-ups and not knowing what will set me off and what won’t.(I have a lot of guilt…)
We had times when Colin was under the age of 15 that I set him off because of change in scenery or change of plans or my insane spontaneity, something he just wasn’t equipped for. He would have huge burst of anger and fear and all I could do was tackle him, put him in my lap and hold him really really tight until he calmed down. And poor Andy. right before Adam and I separated, Andy started acting out a lot. I remember the time I went to spank his butt (I was against full on spanking, but I would tap his butt only where he had diapers, to get his attention and shift the focus.) The last time I did that (it didn’t happen often) he turned around and hit me.DOH Christey, let’s teach your child to hit when angry. Awesome. Kid’s are quick, smart and sponges.
So yeah. I have guilt. Didn’t mean this to turn into that post. but this article and probably book (trying to find it to read), just shows how kid’s brains work and that anger just doesn’t work and that maybe we as parents should just mirror what we want in our kids. Even in emergency situations. Screaming is only poison.
I have a lot to work on.
Edit to add: I posted this on Facebook and my bff made a good point. She said “I was with you except in emergencies. I shout FREEZE and she stops in her tracks. We practiced it and it’s not in anger. Or is screaming and being loud not the same thing?”
I have always yelled STOP, or something of the like. I really like her FREEZE, though. But I get her point, and I agree, as long as the child gets across that it was an emergency and not out of anger.
15 Mar 2019
0 Comments
Anger and Guilt
This is a very very interesting article: How Inuit Parents Teach Kids To Control Their Anger.
Many things about it, I do not agree with (the story telling and use of fear as devices, is the same as the fear you do when yelling and hitting. You are just moving their fear of you to fear of something else. But I also am speaking from the point of view of a mother of older children that can be told what the real fear is (i.e. don’t go too deep in the beach, not because a sea monster will eat you, but because you don’t have the swimming prowess to survive a riptide etc.) (I also am not a fan of using religion as fear or device to teach morals… separate post one day…)And the name calling (Are you a baby?) bothers me a lot)) BUT they got the basics down really well.
When I first met Jeannette she put into words something I had just recently discovered myself. When kids are acting out, it is almost always something else that is causing it. They are afraid, they are anxious, or some other issue, possible chemical too. It isn’t just defiance or to piss you off. They want to gain power for some reason. Let them. Find the true meaning instead of knee-jerk yelling.
I remember a time that Jessicah and I were talking, many years ago, and her eldest daughter came out and was asking her for something over and over again, while we were talking. She held her calm, and turned to her and simply said “I can not answer you right now, and if you keep asking me in this moment when I am busy, the answer will automatically be no”It was done with such calming confidence, and her daughter got the point. (She was very much a teen at that point). I have tried to mirror my reactions around that single display of understanding and execution. I fail.A lot.
I can easily blame my anger and short temper on my bipolar, especially when I am manic. It’s a thing, I have learned in the past few years, and I recoil in my brain as the stuff comes out of my mouth. But it comes down to, I just need to work harder than most people. I didn’t know that. I do now.
My poor older sons, went through a lot with me. I had a lot of anger, resentment, and lack of controlling my bipolar/mania. I hold a lot of regret for that. I wish I had the insight then that I have now, to at least been a better role model. Thankfully, Andy has his father’s patience and calmness, and Colin is just so amazingly self-aware and emotionally brilliant (I will actually give myself some of the credit there, but also so much of Jessicah. But I still hold the regret that they had to deal with my blow-ups and not knowing what will set me off and what won’t.(I have a lot of guilt…)
We had times when Colin was under the age of 15 that I set him off because of change in scenery or change of plans or my insane spontaneity, something he just wasn’t equipped for. He would have huge burst of anger and fear and all I could do was tackle him, put him in my lap and hold him really really tight until he calmed down. And poor Andy. right before Adam and I separated, Andy started acting out a lot. I remember the time I went to spank his butt (I was against full on spanking, but I would tap his butt only where he had diapers, to get his attention and shift the focus.) The last time I did that (it didn’t happen often) he turned around and hit me.DOH Christey, let’s teach your child to hit when angry. Awesome. Kid’s are quick, smart and sponges.
So yeah. I have guilt. Didn’t mean this to turn into that post. but this article and probably book (trying to find it to read), just shows how kid’s brains work and that anger just doesn’t work and that maybe we as parents should just mirror what we want in our kids. Even in emergency situations. Screaming is only poison.
I have a lot to work on.
Edit to add: I posted this on Facebook and my bff made a good point. She said “I was with you except in emergencies. I shout FREEZE and she stops in her tracks. We practiced it and it’s not in anger. Or is screaming and being loud not the same thing?”
I have always yelled STOP, or something of the like. I really like her FREEZE, though. But I get her point, and I agree, as long as the child gets across that it was an emergency and not out of anger.