This is a post that I have constructed in my head so many times since I came up with the idea to have a mental health blog.
Let me start by this amazing text I got yesterday from one of my biggest supporters.
I know you have been having a hard time lately. And I haven’t known quite how to help. And I was having kind of a low, hate the world moment, and it occurred to me that because you are so honest about what you are feeling all the time, that it makes me feel like I can be honest with you too. I know I’ve said something similar before to you, but what I didn’t mention is that I think that it is really special and beautiful thing that you do. I imagine that you have a lot of people that are truly “real” with you. And they are likely that way because you have paved the way by being truly real with them. I don’t think many people have the courage to be as honest as you. It’s something truly special and unique to you. I don’t say things that I don’t mean. Ever. I just don’t know how. So I’ve felt like I couldn’t be a good friend to you lately because I didn’t have anything to say that I thought would be a comfort. Maybe this will be? Anyway, I think you are very, very brave. And you help me feel less alone in this world with your honesty. I always read what you have to say, even when I don’t know what to say to make it better.
I did not know how to reply to this for several reasons. One – I was taken back because I forget that even though my main purpose of this blog and coming out in general is because I needed it so many years ago, so I hope to be that help for other people that are in my situation I was in a long time ago. Two – it’s a way for me to process things, and has become a thing I need now. Three – I really still feel alone. So when I got this text, and I get several IM’s from people I don’t expect , out of the blue asking about many things involved in mental health, it’s this HUGE reminder that “oh! Dumbass, look, you tell other people you are not alone, and look! You, yourself are not alone either! Stop forgetting that and isolating yourself!”
Okey, getting off track. It just means a lot to me.
I have a girlfriend of 20+ years (Jodi), that stands behind me no matter what. (A completely off topic thing, I feel I may not give her the support equal to what she has done for me.) When the two worst things that has ever happened to me, she was there without judgement. When I was terrified to even tell her about the second one and called her up crying not knowing why I kept it from her and what to do, she was there, not saying “hey dumbass, you fucked up, good job”, but instead, just listened. Just let me get it all out and process it out loud without shame.
I am one lucky motherfucker to have her and I hope and deep down truly wish everyone can find their person like her. (She has so many other amazing attributes I could go on and on about, but that is another blog 😄)
Back to where I was…maybe..?
I have another very very important relationship that is only a couple years new to me. She came from a place I would have never expected. I have known her for about 15 years, and I always had this idea that she had everything together, all of it. Patient with kids, amazing in judgement, crazy smart with a memory to match, beautiful, and so much everything I couldn’t be, ever. This is not to say she is not these things now, because she is and so much more. But I didn’t know her well enough. She is my ex husband’s current wife (wow, I just mean this as a time bookmark, not like he has a ton of wives, because we are his only 2 😆)
I look back now and can absolutely see outside of any issues we (ex husband and I) had, I was holding onto so much jealousy of not being her. Not necessarily for him, but for my kids (we had two boys together). Sadly, I would project that jealousy towards my boys when I was angry with whatever was going on, and toss on the natural irritability that comes with the ups and downs of bipolar. I look back now and it’s hard to remember all the amazing things we have done with the kids because (I, the ever hyperevaluate everything I have ever done, person) all I see is how angry I was and how I may have ruined so much by pushing too hard to have fun, or enjoy things and then when they didn’t , I was hurt and angry because it wasn’t as good as the pictures I saw of them with their dad and his wife.
I reiterate that this is not about the bad things, but about missing the in between, missing what other people are going through, their own story, and how awful it is to create your own for them.
I now know her very well. We all put a ton of shit behind us 5 years ago, and immediately I felt amazing. We could move forward with the kids and the side effect of getting close with them came about.
She (her name is Jess, his name is Adam), and I have had so many heart to hearts about things and it’s amazing how much we have in common in our fears and strengths. Our inability to let some things go and need to be the stronger, the do-all-things person.
I can, and do, just toss her a text anytime about a sudden frustration I am going through, or even a triumph, and she’s there when she can. And she does the same for me. There are days that I talk to her more than my own husband.
But getting texts like these out of blue, they hit a part of me that I’m not used to. I am not very emotional and I tend to disassociate with a lot (another bipolar side effect, I am told), but they mean so much. A reminder that yes, I am not alone, and yes I have purpose.
I love this woman more than I can say, and though I was born an only child, I can safely say, I think I know what having sisters (Jodi, Jess, and my sis-in-law Kathy) is like, which is so weird. That’s probably another post.
I feel like I am skipping a lot in this post, because there is so much, and I will probably revisit it later and fill in the blanks, but for now, I am thankful I have them and we have these indispensable relationships.
3 Feb 2019
1 Comment
Not being alone.
This is a post that I have constructed in my head so many times since I came up with the idea to have a mental health blog.
Let me start by this amazing text I got yesterday from one of my biggest supporters.
I did not know how to reply to this for several reasons. One – I was taken back because I forget that even though my main purpose of this blog and coming out in general is because I needed it so many years ago, so I hope to be that help for other people that are in my situation I was in a long time ago. Two – it’s a way for me to process things, and has become a thing I need now. Three – I really still feel alone. So when I got this text, and I get several IM’s from people I don’t expect , out of the blue asking about many things involved in mental health, it’s this HUGE reminder that “oh! Dumbass, look, you tell other people you are not alone, and look! You, yourself are not alone either! Stop forgetting that and isolating yourself!”
Okey, getting off track. It just means a lot to me.
I have a girlfriend of 20+ years (Jodi), that stands behind me no matter what. (A completely off topic thing, I feel I may not give her the support equal to what she has done for me.) When the two worst things that has ever happened to me, she was there without judgement. When I was terrified to even tell her about the second one and called her up crying not knowing why I kept it from her and what to do, she was there, not saying “hey dumbass, you fucked up, good job”, but instead, just listened. Just let me get it all out and process it out loud without shame.
I am one lucky motherfucker to have her and I hope and deep down truly wish everyone can find their person like her. (She has so many other amazing attributes I could go on and on about, but that is another blog 😄)
Back to where I was…maybe..?
I have another very very important relationship that is only a couple years new to me. She came from a place I would have never expected. I have known her for about 15 years, and I always had this idea that she had everything together, all of it. Patient with kids, amazing in judgement, crazy smart with a memory to match, beautiful, and so much everything I couldn’t be, ever. This is not to say she is not these things now, because she is and so much more. But I didn’t know her well enough. She is my ex husband’s current wife (wow, I just mean this as a time bookmark, not like he has a ton of wives, because we are his only 2 😆)
I look back now and can absolutely see outside of any issues we (ex husband and I) had, I was holding onto so much jealousy of not being her. Not necessarily for him, but for my kids (we had two boys together). Sadly, I would project that jealousy towards my boys when I was angry with whatever was going on, and toss on the natural irritability that comes with the ups and downs of bipolar. I look back now and it’s hard to remember all the amazing things we have done with the kids because (I, the ever hyperevaluate everything I have ever done, person) all I see is how angry I was and how I may have ruined so much by pushing too hard to have fun, or enjoy things and then when they didn’t , I was hurt and angry because it wasn’t as good as the pictures I saw of them with their dad and his wife.
I reiterate that this is not about the bad things, but about missing the in between, missing what other people are going through, their own story, and how awful it is to create your own for them.
I now know her very well. We all put a ton of shit behind us 5 years ago, and immediately I felt amazing. We could move forward with the kids and the side effect of getting close with them came about.
She (her name is Jess, his name is Adam), and I have had so many heart to hearts about things and it’s amazing how much we have in common in our fears and strengths. Our inability to let some things go and need to be the stronger, the do-all-things person.
I can, and do, just toss her a text anytime about a sudden frustration I am going through, or even a triumph, and she’s there when she can. And she does the same for me. There are days that I talk to her more than my own husband.
But getting texts like these out of blue, they hit a part of me that I’m not used to. I am not very emotional and I tend to disassociate with a lot (another bipolar side effect, I am told), but they mean so much. A reminder that yes, I am not alone, and yes I have purpose.
I love this woman more than I can say, and though I was born an only child, I can safely say, I think I know what having sisters (Jodi, Jess, and my sis-in-law Kathy) is like, which is so weird. That’s probably another post.
I feel like I am skipping a lot in this post, because there is so much, and I will probably revisit it later and fill in the blanks, but for now, I am thankful I have them and we have these indispensable relationships.