Just some random thinking. And I’m sorry if it is all over the place. It’s how I am. I had homework from my therapist last week. It involved me taking my self hate from a 10 to maybe an 8. Work on realizing that things like – Peter is only with me because it would be detrimental to our kids for him to leave, because I am too much (too much effort, too much over analyzing, too much processing out loud, too much excitability, too much moody, too much questioning everything, too much loud, and etc. Let me add here, that Peter does not actual believe any of that or is a person to even remain in a situation that he is uncomfortable in “just for the kids” or any other reason. These are my own issues that I have decided to put on him and various other things. See? Too much. ). I have extremely low self-esteem. I always have, except when I am in super high manic periods, then I think I am the most amazing person ever and that every body wants me or wants to be like me. This is how I know that I may be in a manic time…. because that is really freaking weird.
Now, there are things called self-serving biases. It basically means that, in general, people who are not depressed, think of them self as above average in most things, according to surveys and studies. If something good happens to them, they remember it more as the cause is from something they did them self, an internal factor. If something bad happens, they remember it more as the cause from something they couldn’t control, an external factor. You know, the opposite of accountability. Side note: This is something that absolutely IRRITATES ME to no end. I have come across it so much, and weirdly, a lot lately. It is also one of the two mantras I try to teach my children. One being – it is better to be kind than right, and two is accountability. Both of those are so difficult to teach and I am still catching myself in them as well.
Back to the studies. Another group of studies has shown that not only do people survey themselves better than average in whatever random item, thing they do, or think of themselves, and that people who are depressed, actually answer closer to reality. (All of this is with the understanding that there is an average, a bell curve, so of course most people will be average and not above average, so it’s just crazy.) I find that very interesting. People think positively in general yet overestimate themselves and depressed people are on point. That says so much. It’s not a new concept or odd one, if you think about it. But I think it may come off as nihilistic, possibly. And oh all the implications about humanity that stem from it.
What all this has to do with me, is I do not like to think highly of myself because I know my own faults and it may even boil down to my own delusions about being watched and people able to see right through me and my thoughts. Back to above and Peter, I am supposed to remind myself that there are all these good reasons of why Peter is WITH me, and maybe that is why he would not leave me, not because of hurting the kids as a divorced couple. I also have a hard time believing when he says he loves me for XYZ reasons, because deep down I think he has to say that. It’s his job. Because I know the truth of who I am, and I am absolutely NOT XYZ. Except, again, with the homework, I tend to not think about all the great things, and even good things I do and take them into account of who and what I am, and instead only think of the crap things. *shrug*
As far as accountability, I have it ingrained to not blame other people or other things for what is going on with myself, this factors into my own self-esteem. It adds to all the bad things I have done and makes me less of a “good” person in my own head. All of this comes off as heavy in written form, but it’s not really. I’m digging in for self reflection. I am actually a pleasant and happy person, when I am not nihilistic about everything 😀
6 Feb 2019
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Self-Esteem
Just some random thinking. And I’m sorry if it is all over the place. It’s how I am.
I had homework from my therapist last week. It involved me taking my self hate from a 10 to maybe an 8. Work on realizing that things like – Peter is only with me because it would be detrimental to our kids for him to leave, because I am too much (too much effort, too much over analyzing, too much processing out loud, too much excitability, too much moody, too much questioning everything, too much loud, and etc. Let me add here, that Peter does not actual believe any of that or is a person to even remain in a situation that he is uncomfortable in “just for the kids” or any other reason. These are my own issues that I have decided to put on him and various other things. See? Too much. ). I have extremely low self-esteem. I always have, except when I am in super high manic periods, then I think I am the most amazing person ever and that every body wants me or wants to be like me. This is how I know that I may be in a manic time…. because that is really freaking weird.
Now, there are things called self-serving biases. It basically means that, in general, people who are not depressed, think of them self as above average in most things, according to surveys and studies. If something good happens to them, they remember it more as the cause is from something they did them self, an internal factor. If something bad happens, they remember it more as the cause from something they couldn’t control, an external factor. You know, the opposite of accountability.
Side note: This is something that absolutely IRRITATES ME to no end. I have come across it so much, and weirdly, a lot lately. It is also one of the two mantras I try to teach my children. One being – it is better to be kind than right, and two is accountability. Both of those are so difficult to teach and I am still catching myself in them as well.
Back to the studies. Another group of studies has shown that not only do people survey themselves better than average in whatever random item, thing they do, or think of themselves, and that people who are depressed, actually answer closer to reality. (All of this is with the understanding that there is an average, a bell curve, so of course most people will be average and not above average, so it’s just crazy.) I find that very interesting. People think positively in general yet overestimate themselves and depressed people are on point. That says so much. It’s not a new concept or odd one, if you think about it. But I think it may come off as nihilistic, possibly. And oh all the implications about humanity that stem from it.
What all this has to do with me, is I do not like to think highly of myself because I know my own faults and it may even boil down to my own delusions about being watched and people able to see right through me and my thoughts. Back to above and Peter, I am supposed to remind myself that there are all these good reasons of why Peter is WITH me, and maybe that is why he would not leave me, not because of hurting the kids as a divorced couple. I also have a hard time believing when he says he loves me for XYZ reasons, because deep down I think he has to say that. It’s his job. Because I know the truth of who I am, and I am absolutely NOT XYZ. Except, again, with the homework, I tend to not think about all the great things, and even good things I do and take them into account of who and what I am, and instead only think of the crap things. *shrug*
As far as accountability, I have it ingrained to not blame other people or other things for what is going on with myself, this factors into my own self-esteem. It adds to all the bad things I have done and makes me less of a “good” person in my own head. All of this comes off as heavy in written form, but it’s not really. I’m digging in for self reflection. I am actually a pleasant and happy person, when I am not nihilistic about everything 😀
Again, random thinking….