My intent for this blog is to use it as a space to share things I’ve learned, document things I am going through – and process it, and then also just an in general dumping ground for my thoughts that may or may not be related to mental illness. I have had the idea for this blog for several months now and it has taken that long for me to do something about it. Most of my procrastination had to do with several things.
First thing was fear. I wasn’t sure how open I wanted to make this. The point of it is to bring to the masses how my mental illness affects me, but even though no two people go through the same diseases alike, we do have many things in common and the stigma surrounding mental illness is so great, I hope to possibly help people understand that we are all humans and our mistakes and choices are related to our chemistry make up, not necessarily spite or ignorance. I often contradict myself, because I am constantly learning, and because nothing is black and white. With all that said, my fear stems from popular opinion of what exactly is bipolar, and having people close to me read all of this. It involves a lot of them, and though I am working on it, I don’t think I get what I mean across very well in writing. So for the time being, I decided not to share this page with certain family members.
My second thing was I didn’t know where to start. No one ever really starts at the beginning of a blog, they tend to either read the post that was linked and then explore randomly, or just move forward from the first post they read. So, I decided, just jump right in.
This is me, jumping right in.
I suppose I will lay out a few things first. I write stream of consciousness. I always have and I don’t intend to change that. If you are looking for a more structured blog, that follows rules and doesn’t make up shit (mostly words), it’s not here. I also curse. A lot. I am going to cut and past a bunch of this in my About Me section (if I ever get to that), so some of it will be repetitive.
I was diagnosed Bipolar 1, rapid cycling, and ADHD in 2001. I was 27. I knew that I was both of these things beforehand, but not I wasn’t sure, or exactly what that implied, until I finally went to a psychiatrist. I have a back story to why I went and everything I dealt with up to that point, but that will be several other posts in the future.
This post is about something else. Something I am quite embarrassed about, but again, I know it comes with depression, but a lot of people do not and think that maybe it’s just laziness. I never thought it was related to my depression, until I was informed by a therapist that it is very common. I am referring to self-care, specifically showers.
I am starting with this subject because this past week, I have showered 6 out of 7 days. I have never in my life (since I was in charge of these things myself) showered that many times in a week. Ever. It’s not that I think about it all the time, or even bother to worry about it. I just don’t do it. In fact, since I started bullet journaling (omg another post!!! Because that has changed my routines and getting stuff done so much!!!) one and half years ago, that I even noticed how often I didn’t shower. I mark every day that I shower, and I have found that I can somewhat chart my moods by my showers. Most weeks, I shower between 2 and 3 times a week, though some weeks, I will never shower or maybe once. Those are the really bad weeks.
You would think that it would be obvious what your mood is when you are in it. I still think that. But when I was trying to rate my moods every day by whatever system I chose at the time, I always would rate my day middle of the road. Even if I was super low or high*, I would still mark it middle. It’s not until after, that I can look back and realize I wasn’t in the normal range. Even when I was 3+ years in a constant manic state (oh that was fun times…. Ugh), I thought that I was perfectly fine.
So the shower marks, help me look back at averages and better chart what is/was going on. It also isn’t very indicative of when I’m not depressed either. I am a stay at home mom that has a lot going on with myself and the kids. Sometimes I just don’t have time, or the most obvious reasons are that I have an afternoon/evening gym class and too tired when I get home to shower OR I have another gym class in the morning and I find it pointless to shower when I am just going to get up and get gross anyhow. These are also probably justifications for my lack of showering. I justify a lot.
When I break it down, I remember that I actually enjoy the after shower feeling, and I don’t hate the act of showering. It’s quiet time, and a small time I have to myself. But like most things that I think are ADHD related, to shower is a big task to me. I always describe big tasks as brick walls. Completely impenetrable, even though they seem small and silly to other people. ADHD people have a hard time seeing things as small parts and only see the big picture, so it’s a HUGE block and nobody can deal with that. Like the old joke/saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”. We need to learn to see things as steps and not one giant task. I know this and I STILL have great difficulty with it in every day things.
I have been on regular mood stabilizers and anti-depressants for 4 months, consistently (I cannot take anything for my ADHD, as they tend to be stimulants, which is bad for bipolar/mania). I notice the difference in small things like my ability to attend my gym classes regularly now (they are about 30-60 minutes away, depending on traffic, so I hated the driving anyhow), my hyper focus of my changing moods, and for most things, stick to goals (unless it involves food). I figured I would start working on what I want to better myself at. One of those things is to shower 6 out of 7 days for 4 weeks. And I did it… so far. I am only one week in. This does not include washing my hair, because fuck that. I have long thick hair. I am only supposed to wash it 2-3 times a week anyhow and washing my hair adds another level of frustration because of blow drying or letting it dry naturally and what that does to styling, etc.
So I start this blog off with a big fat pat on my own back.
And I need it. It doesn’t happen often, as you will see.
*I tend to call my mania or manic periods as high.
13 Aug 2018
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Showering is Overrated.
My intent for this blog is to use it as a space to share things I’ve learned, document things I am going through – and process it, and then also just an in general dumping ground for my thoughts that may or may not be related to mental illness. I have had the idea for this blog for several months now and it has taken that long for me to do something about it. Most of my procrastination had to do with several things.
First thing was fear. I wasn’t sure how open I wanted to make this. The point of it is to bring to the masses how my mental illness affects me, but even though no two people go through the same diseases alike, we do have many things in common and the stigma surrounding mental illness is so great, I hope to possibly help people understand that we are all humans and our mistakes and choices are related to our chemistry make up, not necessarily spite or ignorance. I often contradict myself, because I am constantly learning, and because nothing is black and white. With all that said, my fear stems from popular opinion of what exactly is bipolar, and having people close to me read all of this. It involves a lot of them, and though I am working on it, I don’t think I get what I mean across very well in writing. So for the time being, I decided not to share this page with certain family members.
My second thing was I didn’t know where to start. No one ever really starts at the beginning of a blog, they tend to either read the post that was linked and then explore randomly, or just move forward from the first post they read. So, I decided, just jump right in.
This is me, jumping right in.
I suppose I will lay out a few things first. I write stream of consciousness. I always have and I don’t intend to change that. If you are looking for a more structured blog, that follows rules and doesn’t make up shit (mostly words), it’s not here. I also curse. A lot. I am going to cut and past a bunch of this in my About Me section (if I ever get to that), so some of it will be repetitive.
I was diagnosed Bipolar 1, rapid cycling, and ADHD in 2001. I was 27. I knew that I was both of these things beforehand, but not I wasn’t sure, or exactly what that implied, until I finally went to a psychiatrist. I have a back story to why I went and everything I dealt with up to that point, but that will be several other posts in the future.
This post is about something else. Something I am quite embarrassed about, but again, I know it comes with depression, but a lot of people do not and think that maybe it’s just laziness. I never thought it was related to my depression, until I was informed by a therapist that it is very common. I am referring to self-care, specifically showers.
I am starting with this subject because this past week, I have showered 6 out of 7 days. I have never in my life (since I was in charge of these things myself) showered that many times in a week. Ever. It’s not that I think about it all the time, or even bother to worry about it. I just don’t do it. In fact, since I started bullet journaling (omg another post!!! Because that has changed my routines and getting stuff done so much!!!) one and half years ago, that I even noticed how often I didn’t shower. I mark every day that I shower, and I have found that I can somewhat chart my moods by my showers. Most weeks, I shower between 2 and 3 times a week, though some weeks, I will never shower or maybe once. Those are the really bad weeks.
You would think that it would be obvious what your mood is when you are in it. I still think that. But when I was trying to rate my moods every day by whatever system I chose at the time, I always would rate my day middle of the road. Even if I was super low or high*, I would still mark it middle. It’s not until after, that I can look back and realize I wasn’t in the normal range. Even when I was 3+ years in a constant manic state (oh that was fun times…. Ugh), I thought that I was perfectly fine.
So the shower marks, help me look back at averages and better chart what is/was going on. It also isn’t very indicative of when I’m not depressed either. I am a stay at home mom that has a lot going on with myself and the kids. Sometimes I just don’t have time, or the most obvious reasons are that I have an afternoon/evening gym class and too tired when I get home to shower OR I have another gym class in the morning and I find it pointless to shower when I am just going to get up and get gross anyhow. These are also probably justifications for my lack of showering. I justify a lot.
When I break it down, I remember that I actually enjoy the after shower feeling, and I don’t hate the act of showering. It’s quiet time, and a small time I have to myself. But like most things that I think are ADHD related, to shower is a big task to me. I always describe big tasks as brick walls. Completely impenetrable, even though they seem small and silly to other people. ADHD people have a hard time seeing things as small parts and only see the big picture, so it’s a HUGE block and nobody can deal with that. Like the old joke/saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”. We need to learn to see things as steps and not one giant task. I know this and I STILL have great difficulty with it in every day things.
I have been on regular mood stabilizers and anti-depressants for 4 months, consistently (I cannot take anything for my ADHD, as they tend to be stimulants, which is bad for bipolar/mania). I notice the difference in small things like my ability to attend my gym classes regularly now (they are about 30-60 minutes away, depending on traffic, so I hated the driving anyhow), my hyper focus of my changing moods, and for most things, stick to goals (unless it involves food). I figured I would start working on what I want to better myself at. One of those things is to shower 6 out of 7 days for 4 weeks. And I did it… so far. I am only one week in. This does not include washing my hair, because fuck that. I have long thick hair. I am only supposed to wash it 2-3 times a week anyhow and washing my hair adds another level of frustration because of blow drying or letting it dry naturally and what that does to styling, etc.
So I start this blog off with a big fat pat on my own back.
And I need it. It doesn’t happen often, as you will see.
*I tend to call my mania or manic periods as high.